Going kid shopping

(Just in case you were wondering, these are random "adoptive children," not the three we saw at the event.)

The social workers were trying to yell over the drums in the next room. "Try to spend your time equally with all children! We don't want to make any child feel left out!" Their words were drowned out by the enthusiastic African tempos infusing every molecule in the downtown Oakland building.

We were at an Older Youth Matching event, where prospective adoptive families would learn to drum alongside foster care youth (ages 9-16) who are available for adoption. It was the first time I had met any foster youth. I was anxious. I didn't expect that I would meet my future child, but I was afraid I would accidentally make a child feel rejected by another adult.

After being dismissed by the social workers, I rushed off to the bathroom, returning to the drumming room just a minute after the start time. Children and adults already had drums in hand, learning a new rhythm that soon infused the entire classroom. The energy bounced off the walls as we learned  different instruments, never having the opportunity to talk with or play with one another. I had a lot of fun at the event, but the event was poorly organized (no introductions, no interactions, and of the ten or so kids there, just three were foster youth). Ultimately, all the poor organizational setup was okay, because there was no child available for adoption that caught my attention.

This event was typical of our experience at Family Builders. They are great - they have nice staff who are dedicated to their mission, and they are leaders in the foster/adopt process. Unfortunately, their experienced, competent, and knowledge staff of social workers are not administrative or event-planning professionals, and a number of times during this process we've learned critical information in passing. We are happy for this trade off - their fantastic staff of social workers will (hopefully) help us adopt the right child for us - the most important part of this process - but sometimes we walk away frustrated because we still don't have information.

I do not mean to disparage the organization or our social workers. I think this problem infuses all agencies of this type. Always there's a trade off between the actual work and the administration of that work. When lives can literally hang in the balance, I understand why they focus their resources on the children. But as prospective parents, embarking on a life-long choice that promises hard, but fulfilling, work, it feels like this process hinders understanding unnecessarily.

We are stilling waiting to hear back from the half a dozen social workers about the children we are interested in. We're now in week two, so I hope to hear back sometime this week or next (we were told it takes two to four weeks, on average), but I am not holding my breathe. Administrative efficiency (like quick communication) is not a skill I expect social workers to have in the chaos of trying to care for foster children.

So, we wait, pretending we're not on pins and needles for some new information that won't come for weeks or months, and try to live our lives.