Bereishit: In the darkness, in the light

"In the beginning, the earth was formless and void." The darkness overshadowed everything. Are there even things in the darkness? There's at least water in the darkness, the parsha infers, but darkness penetrated that too. The darkness was everything, it was everywhere.

For anyone who has ever experienced depression, this is a good descriptor. The warmth of the world can't penetrate the darkness, for the darkness is everything.

My family has many examples of mental illness and depression. When I was in sixth grade, my father told me that everyone thinks about suicide. People who claim differently are lying. By that point in my life, I had already started cutting my body, scars had started to form in protest of my childhood. I considered myself a coward because I couldn't do the thing I wanted most, to play out a scene from The Virgin Suicides.

I asked my elementary school friends at school the next day if they ever thought about death (I did not dare use the word suicide). There was a subset of us who were a death admiring group, others who scoffed at the idea. In retrospect, I can't believe we're all still alive today - that I'm alive today. I wonder if all kids are messed up like this, or is it just that the messed up kids seek out other messed up kids? (My adult life is the first time I've ever associated with - and enjoyed - people who weren't from broken homes. I can't believe I even married one of those people.)

"And G!d said: Let there be light, and there was light." Seeing the light is not this easy. It's a long process. For me, it was being kicked out of my childhood home, living with my moms, going to college, getting a job, going on meds, going on different meds, and finding Kate. Each of those steps put more distance between me and depression.

This is why I want to adopt. I want to be a step toward a child's wellness. I cannot "fix" him or her, but I can support him or her on the journey toward finding their whole self, toward finding the light. I want the best for that child, to help them heal from their trauma and become the best person they can be. My scars are old, my wounds have healed, and I want to help someone else heal. I want to bring moments of light to places that are dark, because I know the darkness and I know the light. In the darkness you don't believe there will ever be light, but the light can come. And in the light your heart can grow, and your life can be beautiful, amazing, and full of life.