Parenting children who lost their parents

After two weeks together as a family, the days are getting harder. The daily routine grinds against our family as we try to find enough time for homework, bath time, dinner, and reading. Each daily task is prolonged by tantrums, fights with sisters, and the emotional turmoil associated with the loss of your biological family. It’s exhausting.

It’s also rewarding. Their hearts are full of loss, surely, but are also full of love. Their resilience is awe-inspiring, and their giggles are magical.

There was a particularly hard day this weekend, as the girls each emotionally confronted the loss of their mommy and daddy. I cried in the face of their devastation, repeating the only three things I could think of: I’m so sorry; I’m here for you now; I love you.

Later that night, they were too giddy to go to sleep. The conversation of loss transformed into a conversation of gain, as Ima Kate introduced the idea of their eventual adoption. I had written our last name on one of E’s things earlier in the evening, and they wanted to know if they would share our last name some day. They were thrilled when they learned that their last names would likely change and that they would be adopted by us in the next year. Another moment of loss, another moment of celebration. The girls celebrated with excited laughter, and fifteen minutes after bedtime Ima had to remind them to at least pretend to be asleep.

The next day was met with the typical tantrums and squabbles of two emotionally drained second graders, not yet versed in adequate language to express their feelings. They look over the feelings chart we printed in anticipation of these moments, but they’re clueless to most of the nuances of feelings. Right now they can articulate only two things: “My heart hurts” and “I can’t listen right now.” This is great progress in twelve days, more progress than most adults can make in such a short time. I’m amazed by them, by their great capacity for love during these hard transitions, and their excitement and openness to being part of our family.