But we weren't pregnant. December marked the beginning of our adoption quest, it's the "trying" phase for many bio parents. It doesn't guarantee a pregnancy or a child. In that way, we're still ahead of the curve. In general, a fertile couple has a good chance of getting pregnant within a year. But not all couples are "fertile" and not all couples get pregnant. And not all pregnancies last. With adoption, the "trying" phase lasts a long time, but once we get "pregnant," once we find our kid, that process lasts weeks, months. And then it's the next step, the actual adoption, that will take months, years.
We have been on the precipice of "search" for months - MONTHS - now. Maybe this is a test of our parenting skills - patience, strong communication skills, advocating for our needs. Maybe these moments are just a small glimpse of the world to come.
Our home study is still not done. The "matching event" was rescheduled for October and the home study deadline vanished with it. The bureaucracy of an agency that's supposed to help us cut through the bureaucracy is starting to fray at my nerves. The unresponsive social workers who tell us deadlines they never meet makes me feel like I can't trust them to be my advocate.
We have a new social worker, our third one since we started this process. First, there was the "intake" social worker - the initial screening where they documented our home, our animals, our non-human trafficking jobs. Second, was the "home study" social worker. She asked us invasive personal questions and mundane ones, some of them so sad you just want to cry. (Will you feed your child at the table with you? Will he or she get to eat the same food as you? Will you lock your child in his or her room? How will you punish your child?) Our third social worker will lead us through search and help us find the child for us. She is the agency director - the only person in the entire agency who has quickly responded to my questions.
It makes me nervous that the agency director is our social worker. Are we so unique we need the biggest guns around? Did we set off red flags? I'm sure it's not us, but it raises my anxieties all the same. But I'm grateful it's her. I'm grateful that I can trust her to tell us when the deadline won't be met, instead of just letting it lazily pass us by. I trust her to be our advocate, and to help pair us with a child who is right for us and our family.
There's an email chain that Social Worker II started weeks ago that's titled "You are in search!" The email is a lie, enthusiasm for something not yet occurring. Maybe their computers say we're in search, but we haven't signed our home study. We haven't searched for our child. We're still waiting. First for them to assign us a search social worker, then for that social worker's schedule to free up for us to look at the home study and sign off on it. Then we'll be in search. Then we can start "kid shopping" as I like to call it.
Tonight begins Rosh HaShanah, a start to a new Jewish new year. Rosh HaShanah represents a new start, but also reminds you of the previous years transgressions. You will be inscribed in the book of life on Yom Kippur, so make these last few days count, apologize and be thoughtful in these days of continued reflection.
On Rosh HaShanah we will sign our home study. We will inscribe ourselves in the family book, committing ourselves to a new year full of family - new and old.
This year, 5774, I did things both wrong and right. I am a fallible human being. I hope that in 5775 my wrongs look different and new - that I don't make the same mistake twice, and that I have the opportunity to make mistakes with my kid(s)...because we'll have kids?! I am excited to see what the future brings.
Love y'all,
M
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